Isn’t Life Ironik?

The reason the show ‘American’s Funniest Videos’ is so popular is because we are watching someone else’s family or pet do something ridiculous.  Most of us tend to have a sense of humor and play when it isn’t so close to home.

That brings me to my present situation.  My mother.  She has recently been moved to the ‘Memories/Reminiscence’ area of the assisted living place in which she lives.  My older brother likes to call it, ‘The place where the door does NOT swing in both directions.”

While we are sad and are dealing with very real and hard emotions, we find ourselves also laughing.  There are so many funny things that young children and the elderly do.  Heck, we all do some very funny things.

Perhaps many would find my family odd.  Or, perhaps, many would think we are insensitive.  The first might be true, however not the second.  We are very involved with our mother’s care.  We would fly across the country to take care of her.  The entire family is concerned and there for her.

And yet, we find the humor and share the irony of getting old.  Our mother’s as well as our own.

I think we could all use a dose of laughter.  I think sometimes we take ourselves and our lives way too seriously.  Find the funny.  It is all around us.  Learn to laugh at yourself.  It is very cathartic.

Something to think about it.

Where Did The Year Go?

Every year at this time you can hear the collective sighs of, “Where did the year go?”  It seems as if we are celebrating the New Year and then before you know it, it is summer time, then the smell of turkey.

It is a common cry of parents of teenagers (although for most the time goes way too slowly), and grandparents to reflect on years gone by way too fast.  My grandmother used to say, “It goes by all too quickly.”

Well, it is no surprise that when we count the days until Friday as a new workday begins, and we see the stores carrying products for one holiday before another one ends, that we are in fact rushing through our lives.

Children can’t wait to grow up.  Teenagers can’t wait to move out, get married, and have kids.  And middle-aged people fantasize about retirement.

WHAT IS THE RUSH???

I have a sister-in-law that makes a choice every day to find something fun to do.  She tells me, “I have to work, but I choose to play.”  It doesn’t matter if she is tired at the end of the day.  Whether meeting friends for a coffee treat, or a glass of wine, or heading to water aerobics, she plans her week with enjoyment as well as responsibility.

She also plans for naps and downtime.  I think we can all take a lesson from her.  It is true there are things we have to do that are chores and work.  It is also true we can find things to do that give us fun and pleasure.

Agree?

A Little Black Cloud

I am not sure why we all feel like everything comes in threes.  Perhaps it starts when we are children.  Perhaps it comes from:  The three pigs, three blind mice, and feeling like a third wheel.  When someone famous dies, then two, everyone wonders who the third one will be.

So, it was no surprise to me yesterday that after being laid-off from my job and then hearing that my mother will need to be moved (her mental health is becoming compromised), that on my walk with my dogs, the skies opened up and my pups and I got drenched.

My response was to look up and say, “REALLY”????

 I think from time to time we all tend to feel like there is a little black cloud hanging over our heads.  I think from time to time we find ourselves saying, “Enough already.”  There is NO question that if we live long enough, we will all go through many challenges and losses.

This is why it is so important to find the fun.  This is why it is so important to really enjoy the good times.

Look for your blessings.  Every day you are healthy and your family is safe, take a moment to be thankful!  Life is cyclic.  I doubt that any of us truly has a black cloud hanging over our heads; it just feels like that way.

So, if necessary, put on your rain boots, get your umbrella and take on the day!

Putting Things In Perspective

I met an old friend today for lunch.  We have many interests in common.  However the conversation today was mostly about not giving up.  Opening all the doors until it is the right one.

We laughed as we shared the ups and downs of trying new things.  We compared notes regarding not giving up when perhaps others would have.

It is really hard to know when time and money is being wasted.  Or when time and money is being invested.

For everyone this is different.  I guess it helps to know how realistic your dreams are.  How much passion you have for what you’re doing.  And whether, in fact, it is worth the ride.

I had struggled a few years ago regarding taking on something new.  Writing a book.  There was money I would need to invest.  And certainly there was work that needed to be done.

I called my brother whose opinion I value.  He asked me two questions.  The first was, “Would the money you will spend cause you financial hardship?”  I told him “No.”  The second question was, “If you don’t do this, is it possible you might look back one day and wonder what would have happened had you gone ahead?”  I answered “Yes”.

It was as simple as that.  Sometimes when faced with decision-making, asking yourself these two questions could put everything in perspective.

How We Are Seen

I went to a friend’s house for dinner last night.  She makes a great chili and it was good to catch up with her.  The subject of powerful women came up.  It is not earth-shattering news that strong women are perceived as bossy and controlling and strong men are perceived as competent leaders.

However, I am wondering if in the quest to be taken seriously, some women have in fact gone overboard and are actually so scary and intimidating that they do fall under the heading of, “I am working for a real bitch.”

We talked about whether most people see themselves as others do.  My friend does not relate to the comments she has received regarding her demeanor, and feels she is compassionate and very caring of other’s feelings.  And yet, she has heard on more than one occasion that those around her tend to tread lightly.

Being a smart and yes, compassionate person, she has taken this to heart, and most importantly she has checked her own behavior and has made changes.  She hasn’t changed who she is (thankfully), however, she has changed how she presents herself.  This is a huge difference.

It is not a bad idea from time to time to check ourselves.  It is not a bad idea from time to time to listen to the feedback we get.  You may choose not to change your behavior.  However, if you are smart, you will think about what those around you say.  Perhaps you will learn something about yourself that you NEVER saw before.

Something to think about.

Tis The Season

There is no question that this time of year brings MANY feelings out into the open.  Everyone tends to talk about Happy, Merry, Good Wishes, and yet……..

Whether you are baking a pie from a recipe your grandma handed down, or meeting your new boyfriend’s family for the first time.  Whether you are thinking about past relationships or when your parents lived together and had family dinners, this time of year is VERY stressful.

I have friends who have grandchildren that won’t be with them because it is an every other year holiday.  I have friends who lost their parents or siblings recently and are thinking about them.

We all reflect on times past.  We all think about times that seemed less complicated.  Ending things.  Starting over.  New traditions.  All of these things come into our thoughts and minds at this time of year.

With traffic at a standstill, malls over-crowded with busy, rude people, it is more than challenging to keep calm and truly enjoy the holidays.

So, my advice?  Remember the past fondly, while you plan for the future with hope and faith.  But, more importantly, enjoy the moments you are in, because there might come a time when they will be the good old days that you will miss and can’t get back.

Forgiving Ourselves

I had lunch yesterday with a friend of many years.  This is an extremely emotional time for her.  She recently lost a former husband who was a dear friend, and she is racked with guilt regarding decisions she made over 25 years ago.

We are taught at a very young age to say we are sorry and to forgive those who push us, grab our toys and say unkind things to us.  But, we are never taught to forgive ourselves.

Many of us take on burdens that we don’t own.  Things we do in our youth that might be selfish, self-serving or just plain surviving. Does that make us responsible till the day we die for the actions and choices of the people in our lives?

Most parents spend years blaming themselves for the decisions their children make as adults.  But, the reality is we really do the best we can with what we have at the time.  Wisdom comes from experiencing, acknowledging and hopefully learning.

Forgiving others and moving on is an important part of life.  Forgiving ourselves?  This is truly the best gift we can ever give ourselves.  We all make mistakes. 

I was going through a relationship break-up several years ago.  I was feeling so guilty and sad.  I knew I made the right decision, however, I couldn’t get past that I was hurting someone who I cared about.

One of my best friend’s husbands said to me “Roni, take whatever responsibility you want, then forgive yourself and move on.”  This was not as difficult as I thought.  After all, I am human and we all have flaws.

Don’t Sweat What You Can’t Control

In the movies, the holidays are presented as a time when families and friends get together to eat, laugh and share their blessings.  Even if things start out tense, it always ends up with brotherly love and picture perfect memories.

Real life, especially these days, and the movies we watch aren’t always in sync.  With blended families and his, hers, theirs and ours, it is virtually impossible to please everyone.

There is one day called Thanksgiving, one day called Easter and one day called Mother’s Day, etc.  It is challenging at best to be everywhere at once. 

Isn’t the important thing that no matter when we get together, even if it is the day before Thanksgiving or the Sunday after Mother’s Day that we enjoy our family and friends?

Isn’t the important thing that we make memories and cherish our times together when we can?

Instead of making our children feel guilty, instead of getting our feelings hurt, wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could open our hearts and our minds to not look at a calendar, but instead look at the people around the table and be happy for the time we do have?

I think so!

Every Victory Counts

I received a card from a very good friend this morning that said these very words.  I have indeed jumped a hurdle.  There are many more to face regarding the challenge I have taken on, however I accomplished a very important one.

I think too often we don’t stop to pat ourselves on the back when we do something good.  We don’t acknowledge the ‘wins’ enough.  We tend to put disclaimers on what we accomplish.  “Oh, I just got lucky.”  Or, “I had lots of help.”  Or even, “I didn’t deserve it.”

Of course, many of us are afraid we will jinx the good luck, or if we get too carried away, life will throw us a curve ball.

On a snow trip many moons ago, I mastered a very hard slope.  I was in shock that I was able to get to the bottom of the hill without a single fall.

It was, however when I was standing still in my glory, that I fell on my ass! It is true that life has many ups and downs. 

I think that is why it is even more important to celebrate every victory that comes your way.  After all, there is not one good reason not to!

Now, go seize the day!

Words

It is amazing how simply using a different word can change a thought from a negative to a positive.  Someone can be stubborn or we can call him or her tenacious.  You could think a person is bossy; another can think that person takes control.

I am finding a fine line between nervousness and excitement.  Both these feelings can have the same affect on me.  Sweaty palms, a nervous stomach, and perhaps a feeling of being unsettled.

I know the poem that goes, “Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can NEVER harm me.”  I tend to disagree.  I think words are very powerful.

By simply changing the dialog in our heads, we can actually change our moods.  “I am stressed.”  Or,” I am challenged; I am overwhelmed”, or “I have a busy life.”

If your mind is anything like mine, you have a running monolog.  Okay, some more than others.  However, when you find yourself thinking negative thoughts.  When your mind goes to places that overwhelm and then immobilize you, try giving yourself a little pep talk.

Like a diet or learning a new skill, this takes focus, awareness, and practice. 

After all, wouldn’t you rather wake up and take on the day, than let the day get the best of you?

Making Mountains Out of Mole Hills

Some people are experts in taking small problems and making them so much larger.  And, some people defuse a situation simply by NOT adding fuel to the fire.

Today I had what could have been an uncomfortable confrontation with a co-worker.  I had reason to be upset.  In my mind I was running through all the things I intended to ‘call her on’.  I was justified and although I knew this wouldn’t be pleasant, I was prepared to go to battle.

Instead of this issue becoming larger than it needed to be, my co-worker called me and simply said, “I understand you are bent.”  Instead of my going off on her, or even stating my issue, I simply said, “Yes.”  She then went on to talk through the situation with me.

She took some responsibility, and I shared in a calm, non agitated way why I was, in fact, ‘bent’.

I give her credit because instead of her becoming defensive, causing me to accelerate my anger, she defused the situation and we both were able to talk about a better way of communication in the future.

Would you say that you are the type of person who tends to agitate a situation or defuse it?

If getting our point across is our goal, don’t we have a better chance of being heard if the other person is not pushed into a corner or feeling attacked?

I think so.

“You Can’t Do That”

Have you ever been told, “You can’t do it that way?”  Or, “That isn’t the way it is done?”

During a casual lunch the other day, a friend told me a story about her husband and how he started, built and eventually sold a company that he ‘lucked’ into.  I say luck with ‘tongue-in-cheek’.

He had an idea (Engineer Geek) that he felt was a winner.  The problem was he had no idea how to market his product.  It turned out that what he didn’t know worked out better for him than what he did know.

Every year there was a local trade show and he wanted his invention displayed.  He had no contacts or guidelines to help him.

What he did have was an enthusiasm for his product.  He had a belief in himself and because of this, he forged ahead.  He took pictures and he wrote a plan.  He then started digging around until he found the contact information for the company he felt was the right audience.

With no formal training, and no one to guide him and tell him all the reasons things weren’t done this way, he sent off his plan.

It turns out that his letter was read.  It turns out that he was hired for the job.  And, it turns out that he became very successful.

And, yes the end result makes this a great story.  However, the lesson is even more important to me.  And, it should be to you.

Don’t ever let anyone tell you “You aren’t good enough.”  Don’t ever let anyone tell you, “You can’t do that.”  And, don’t ever let someone else stop you from dreaming, or keep you in a box because things have never been done that way before.

A former boss of mine once said to me, “Luck is opportunity meeting preparedness.”  Something for all of us to think about!

Second Guessing Ourselves

Does this sound like you?  What seemed like a good idea at the time is starting to feel like a mistake.  And the longer you think about it the bigger the mistake becomes.  It becomes so big, you are certain it is a deal breaker.

I believe that it is possible to over-think something until it actually becomes something else.  The reason I know this to be true is because it is a talent of mine.

Whether it is in an interview.  Whether it is at a school meeting.  Whether it concerns conversations we have had with our kids and friends, there are times that we over-obsess about the one thing we said that we regret.

I liken this to looking at ourselves in a mirror.  We tend to see the blemishes; we tend to see the one hair out of place, or the one hair on our face that shouldn’t be there.

However, those looking at us tend to see the smile, the kindness and hopefully the person we are.

As hard as this is for me personally, I am going to make every effort to be myself, not focus on the negative and not judge others when they also say something that perhaps they shouldn’t have.

Thoughts?

I Have Your Back!

An expression that is used to let someone know you are on their side, you are looking out for their best interest, and/or they can count on you.

I published a blog the other day that had a couple of grammatical errors.  A friend of many years let me know this after reading my post.  She and I have talked about being negative. Well, actually, I have told her I felt she tended to be negative.

Even though she had some concerns that I might take her criticism the wrong way, she let me know there were a couple of mistakes.  She understands that what I publish is a reflection of me.  I really appreciated her taking the time to let me know about the mistakes.

I am sure that at sometime in your life you were told, or have told someone else, “It isn’t what your saying, it’s how you’re saying it.”

It isn’t always easy to tell a friend they made a mistake, or are behaving in a way that isn’t in their best interest.  AND, it isn’t always easy to hear these things from other people.

I believe when we care and we have the other person’s best interest at heart, letting them know we are concerned about their choices is a risk worth taking.  Or in my case, telling me I should be more careful when posting my blogs.

If someone were to ask you how you feel about this, what would you say?  And, is there someone in your life that has your back?

Humor

I am a firm believer that a good sense of humor can get us through most of life’s challenges.  And yet, I find myself often getting uptight when I should laugh things off.

When I was pregnant with my son, I remember reading an article regarding how parents tend to lose their sense of humor when it comes to their children.

During a conversation with a good friend this morning, he said to me, “Everyone around me seems to be so serious lately.” 

It got me thinking about the ability to just laugh at a situation, ourselves and yes, others.  Is it our pride, are we too self-conscious, or do we feel it isn’t dignified to just get our “silly” going?

While watching a TV show the other day with a close friend, we both acknowledged that the characters were dealing with a situation that we had just both dealt with.  While we didn’t find the humor when the subject was us, we were both laughing at the sitcom and agreed that it was VERY funny, although close to home.

I have decided that I am going to take life a bit less seriously, find the humor where I can and laugh-out-loud when I do something goofy.  My friend is right; there is perhaps a bit too much “serious” going on when there doesn’t need to be.

Did you know that laughter burns more calories than running?  Just in case you needed another reason to giggle.

Worry

We all do it!  Will we be picked last for a game on the playground?  Will we be asked to the birthday party?  Will we be liked? Will our kids get into the best kindergarten?  Will we get the job?  Find the right mate?  Afford a house?  And on and on it goes.

Basically we worry from the day we enter this world until the day we leave it.  And yet stress (worry) is harder on the body than pretty much anything else that can ‘get us’.

So, how do we get a handle on ‘worrying’ when it is as natural as breathing?  I suppose we can go through life with a ‘whatever happens’ attitude, and just blow off any and all the things that get thrown in our path.  It is what some people do.

We can also choose to allow our worries to affect our minds and bodies so much that we get more headaches and ulcers, therefore keeping us from enjoying our lives.  This is an option.

Or, we can learn to acknowledge our challenges, make a reasonable plan and then counter-balance them with the things that give our bodies and minds some carefree relaxing time.  No, it isn’t easy.

We are all different.  There are as many suggestions as there are problems.  There are as many answers as there are questions.

Think I will take some time this week and pay attention to my stressors.  Then I will take some time to find some perspective on what I can effect and make a plan to do the things that balance me and give me some peace.

You?

Ego

When it was suggested to me that it could be my ego that caused me to think I could handle all that life throws me, I wanted to protest.  THEN, I gave it some real thought.

What made me think that I could take on one more task?  What made me think I could handle one more problem?  What made me think I could keep all the balls in the air?  AND, never be stressed, never be short tempered, never let anyone down, and more importantly, do it all perfectly?

EGO!!!!  I never thought I had a big one.  I think perhaps I was wrong.  It’s not that I thought I was better than others.  No, I just thought I could handle things better than others.    

I found myself stressed to the limit, and, I was frustrated and running on empty.  Not in a small way, but a big one.  I became unreasonable and ranted and yelled at someone who didn’t deserve it.  Basically, I lost my cool.

We all get to the point of ‘having had enough’.  There isn’t anyone out there who isn’t dealing with either out of control children, an unreasonable boss, a loud neighbor, a messy spouse and/or friends and family that let us down.

Owning one’s behavior and accepting that being human means NOT being perfect is sometimes all we can do.  That and taking the time to stop, take a deep breath and find whatever method works best to release the stress in our lives before it builds to Biblical proportions.  

Make sense?

Would You Sign-Up?

I was talking with a friend the other day who was clearly distraught.  The summer was rough; she was dealing with many physical and emotional challenges, and things were not going her way.

While we were talking, she said in exasperation, “No one ever told me life would be this hard.”

I immediately had a picture (probably because two very close friends recently had grandkids), of a baby about to be born.  He or she sticks her head out and is given a scenario of all life will throw their way.  I am thinking most infants would say, “NO THANK YOU” and go back to the safety of the womb.

There is no question that we deal with great loss.  There is no question that our faith is continually challenged.  And, there is no question that many times crawling back under the covers is very appealing.

But the reality is, we are born in a world that throws us curve balls, spitballs and hard balls. (Yes, baseball season has even gotten to me).

To keep with the baseball analogy we have a few choices.  We can quit the game and walk off the field (not recommended).  We can pick ourselves up and continue to play as we have been.  Or we can think about this game, look at the good innings and accept that many times we will walk away shaking our heads and asking, “What happened here?”

I know life isn’t a game.  Loss and tragedy isn’t taken lightly.  I heard someone say they feel so deeply that they used to be depressed all the time.  Then someone told them, “This means you have the capacity to love so completely, is that a bad thing?”

My thoughts for today!  Yours?

A Good Friend

In one sentence my feelings shifted.  It was simply, “You are a good friend.”  During an on-line game with a friend of many decades, she wrote those simple words to me.

Most of us get nailed with “You are always judging me.”  Or, “don’t judge me.”  Or even, the old saying, “Until you walk a mile in my shoes.”  But this blog is more about how we judge ourselves.

If we always look at what we are not doing, instead of acknowledging what we are doing, we will always feel a sense of sadness and failure.

Life is very complicated.  We are faced with many decisions and choices.  We don’t come into this world with all the answers.  In fact, we come in with very little.  Hopefully the longer we live the more we grow and the more we learn.

Hopefully we have people in our lives that help us become someone we are proud of.  Someone we feel good about.  Someone whom if we could choose, we would choose to be our friend.

A good friend.

Judge and Jury

After posting a blog called “When I Lose 5 Pounds”, I received a very nice email from a very close friend of mine.

She wrote: 

“I wish that more people could focus on and foster the good and fortunate in their lives…. and that leads me to all the people that are so judgmental…. I know that human nature is to judge, but don’t people realize that we judge ourselves enough? There isn’t enough room or time to consider their judgments of us.”

I think this is a subject worth repeating and repeating and repeating.  There is a new device that Google makes.  It allows a person to wear glasses so they can see their emails, maps, movies and anything else that for some reason we feel we need to see while walking outside and hanging with friends.

I guess we need this because we certainly don’t get enough time in front of an electronic device.  Ok, enough of my sarcasm.

Actually, what I would like to see is someone invent a mirror that we can wear so we can look at ourselves as we go through our day.  Maybe if we looked more closely at our own behavior and actions we might actually pay more attention to how we treat other people.  We might actually get a chance to observe the struggles that others go through and then perhaps we might learn to be more compassionate and understanding and LESS a judge and jury.

Wouldn’t that be a wonderful thing?