Pay-Offs

While on the phone the other day with my sister-in-law, she made mention of how pleasantly surprised she was that her adult children are kind, compassionate, giving people.

My response?  “Why would you be surprised?”  I then reminded her of the following.  “Ever since your kids could hold a crayon or pencil you had them writing thank-you notes for gifts, before they were allowed to play with them.  When they complained, you didn’t argue or threaten.  You simply said ‘If the person took the time to buy you something, then the least you can do is thank them with a note.”  You enforced the ‘no-play’ rule until they did.

I then reminded her that at holiday time both her children picked out one of the toys they received and as a family they went to a shelter and gave them to a child who wouldn’t have gotten anything.  They also brought food for a holiday meal.

My sister-in-law taught her children important life lessons by allowing them to make choices, feel good about their blessings, and more importantly feel good about seeing the faces of kids who otherwise wouldn’t have gotten anything.

My nephew serves in the Air Force.  My niece has spent holidays working for Habitat for Humanity.  While my brother and sister-in-law aren’t perfect people (no one is), they have given their kids a huge gift. 

Not everything we do has a financial pay off.  Sometimes the pay-off is that you know that you did something to make someone else’s life just a little bit better.

Gratitude

While having lunch with an old friend today, she touched on a subject that I believe could use more press.

GRATITUDE!

She was telling me about her sister and the falling out they had.  Her sister has had many challenges both physically and emotionally.  Although my friend is not in the best financial situation, she has always been generous in every way she possibly can.  She even had her sister move in with her, though her small apartment was cramped.

It wasn’t the health issues her sister had.  It wasn’t the constant attention she required that caused my friend to get angry.  It was simply the lack of gratitude.  She wasn’t looking for grand gestures, or even constantly being thanked.  She just wanted to feel appreciated.  AND, the more she gave, the more her sister took.

Shortly after our lunch I met a co-worker for coffee.  We talked about many things including work, family, and our various interests.  During our conversation on raising kids to be productive, caring adults she said, “I think you should write a blog on gratitude.  There is such a lack of appreciation for what we have.  Too many people only look at what they don’t have.”

I believe this is something to think about.  There is always someone with more.  There are always things we want that we don’t have.  And, it is certainly true that life isn’t always fair or just.

Having said all this, I do feel it is important to take time each day to be thankful for what we do have.  Taking a few minutes to appreciate the small things will give us more balance.  There are so many people in this world that go to bed hungry.  There are so many people in this world that go to bed cold.

Things can always be better and easier.  However, things can always be harder and worse.

Frequency

Last night a friend and I watched a movie that was out 13 years ago. 

It is a fantasy, basically Science Fiction.  The premise is an almost 40 year old who is able to connect with his father, his mother and himself when he was just 9 years old.

An old ham radio found 30 years later is the vehicle that allows this communication.  After all the people involved accept this very strange phenomenon, they are able to communicate in a way that is both delightful and concerning.

The premise is if you knew what was going to happen to you what lengths would you go through to alter that reality.  And, by altering it, how would you accept the consequences from the new reality?

The most interesting part to me was having the ability to talk with the child you were.  Comforting the youthful you.  If you were really able to have a ‘chat’ with yourself when you were a kid, what would you tell yourself? 

Me?  I would probably tell myself to enjoy life more.  I would say, “Worry less”.  Obviously it is easier to do this when you are older and have gotten past the trials and tribulations of growing up.

I have a very good friend who has said on more than one occasion, “If I had known how good my son was going to turn out, I would have slept better when he was a teenager.”

It is very hard not to worry; it is very hard to just trust things will work out.  Some people have challenges, where life gets the best of them.  For them I offer holding on to hope even if it means in small ways their situation improves.  And sometimes the best we can hope for is to deal with what cannot be changed or fixed. 

For those who can, I would offer that from time-to-time you could simply tell yourself during times of trouble and concern that life is cyclic.  And, after most storms there is greener grass and clearer skis.  

I Know This is Bad For Me!

I have heard many conversations this past week about people wanting to make changes.  Of people knowing that what they are doing isn’t working for them, AND YET!!

My hairstylist has a son who smokes and acknowledges it is bad for him, but he doesn’t stop.  Another friend chooses a toxic relationship over a healthier one while admitting it is insane.  And a friend who really wants to be more active and yet can’t seem to motivate herself to give up some of her more sedentary activities.

There are some experts that feel you can’t change what you don’t acknowledge.  Although all of these people will freely admit and acknowledge that they are very aware of what they would like to do differently, they can’t or don’t.

Changing one’s lifestyle isn’t easy.  Giving up what is comforting and comfortable isn’t easy.

Many stay in jobs they are unhappy in.  Many stay in relationships that no longer work.  Many choose unhealthy lifestyles.  And many have a difficult time making other choices with their leisure time.

What if you were to look at life as a blank piece of paper with the ability to make the picture any shape or color you want?   In one hand you hold the brush and in the other an eraser to recreate or start over when you need or want to.  Many people tend to think that once they have started or even finished the picture they should or have to live with the result.  What if you changed your thinking here?

I believe that the mind first needs to change.  Then perhaps we have a better chance of changing the behavior.

Easy?  Not always.  Worth it?  I guess time will be the best judge.  Would love to hear some of your experiences and thoughts.

Extending an Olive Branch

Recently I was thinking about arguments, disagreements and grudges both new and old.  In some cases, either the injured party or the one causing the problem makes some kind of gesture to clear the air.  Or, more often than not, ignore the problem and just move on.

This had me thinking about the expression “Extending an Olive Branch.”  It is a very old expression coming from the Roman times.  The Olive Branch is actually quite fragile.  Easily broken, and yet its meaning is one of strength and repair.

It is very easy to get one’s feelings hurt.  It is very easy to blame another person for a situation gone badly.  And, it is very easy to come to conclusions that validate our own view and dismiss someone else’s.

What is not easy is admitting we might be wrong.  What is not easy is to get out of our own head to look at the situation from the other person’s point of view.

Perhaps if we stopped caring about who is ‘offering the olive branch’, and just agree to call a truce, or perhaps if we stopped getting stuck on who did what to whom, we would get along better in a world that has enough tension in it without our adding to it.

Really, is the fight, disagreement, or misunderstanding truly more important to you than the person is?

Think about it?

Those People

I was talking with a friend the other day.  It was the weekend and all she really wanted to do was kick back, watch TV and basically do nothing.  She got several invitations to go for a meal, a party and a movie.  She was telling me that she really didn’t want to do any of those things.  She also told me she thought she should.

I asked her if she was depressed.  She said no.  I asked her if she was happy with her choice to just be a ‘slug’.  She said yes.  So, I asked her “Why do you feel you should accept these invitations?”  Basically her answer was because she thought she should.

I would like to know who decided how much time we should devote to work.  How much time we should devote to play.  And, how much time we should devote to being productive.

We all should be monitoring ourselves.  Not defending or apologizing for how we allocate our time.  Of course, if all we are doing is working, or all we are doing is playing, then our lives do get out of balance.

But where is it written that the percentage of how we make these choices ‘should’ be a certain number?

I have to say that it is a pet peeve of mine that so many judge the activities and choices others make when it comes to down time.  If I want to play Words With Friends for hours, who is it hurting?  If someone else prefers to watch mindless TV shows during their relaxing time, who is it hurting?  And, if someone wants to take an afternoon nap?  Who is it hurting?

I believe we need more rest and relaxation time.  Time to let our minds wander.  Time to use our imagination.  Time to get lost in a good book.  Who said we have to be productive all the time?  That is, UNLESS we choose to.

The Simple Things

There have been many studies on what makes people happy.  Is it money?  Is it love?  Is it security?  Is it faith?  Or, is it something that comes from inside of us?

I personally know people who are happy even though they have more than their share of problems.  I personally know people who can’t seem to be happy even though it appears as if they live without many challenges.

I understand that one person’s opinion of challenges, problems and a carefree life is different.  I also understand that we all bring our childhood, family issues and personalities into the equation.

And yet, it seems to me that happiness is a state of mind.  As in, “if you think you are happy, you are.” And, “if you think you are unhappy, you are.”

I make a choice pretty much every day to find something to be happy about.  I do this because I know there are many who have it worse than I do.  I feel blessed for what I have.  I don’t concentrate on those who have more.

Lying in a hammock makes me happy.  Not a lounge chair, not the grass, but a hammock.  So, today as I search the Internet for a hammock, I feel happy.  Sometimes it is the simplest of things. 

What makes you happy?

Say What?

Words can be very misleading.  We can say the same thing and yet have it mean something entirely different.  For example we might say a friend is stubborn, which has a negative connotation, or we might say they are tenacious, which means they stick to something, which sounds much more positive. 

When leaving a job or leaving a relationship or stopping an activity, do you feel like a quitter?  Or, do you just feel like you’re ready to start something new?

What are the internal messages you tell yourself?  When you choose to spend some time relaxing and kicking back, do you call yourself lazy?  Or do you tell yourself you are getting the rest you need and deserve?

When you start a project and stop, do you get angry at yourself because you feel like you aren’t focused, or do you feel good about yourself for the work you have done so far?

When you choose to have the donut after you committed to diet, do you tell yourself you are a weak, or do you give yourself permission to be human?

All day long we give ourselves messages.  Perhaps we should pay more attention to these.  Perhaps by simply doing this we will get a better understanding of why we feel good about ourselves, or why we judge ourselves too harshly.

Does this make sense?

How Far Have You Come?

I have to admit I was surfing Pinterest this morning.  I have several quotes on there.  I like to see what others are posting as I am finding new things to think about.  And, even though there are many quotes that I have heard many times, like a favorite song from my childhood, many things are worth repeating.

I had written a blog about Rome NOT being built in a day.  A reader commented that she in fact had a long way to go.

When I feel like the road is long and there doesn’t seem to be much progress, I spend time thinking about how far I have come.

I do this with a walk.  I do this with a project.  I do this when I get impatient with myself for NOT finishing all the ‘to do items’ on my ‘to do list’.

So much of our moods, our feelings of self-worth is what we tell ourselves.  I use to think about all the things I don’t know regarding my job.  Now I think about all I the things I have learned and how far I have come.

Simply taking a different view.  Finding a more positive perspective can make all the difference in whether we are happier, more relaxed and keeping a positive attitude in our lives and ourselves.

For me, I would prefer to look up instead of looking down.

You?