Holding Up A Mirror

I received an email from a friend of many decades.  It simply said, “Was your last blog about our relationship?”  It was the one where I wrote about hurt feelings and keeping score.

I assured her she wasn’t the subject.  Then I asked her why she thought I was referring to her.  She thought that since we have had issues over the years, she just wanted to check.   Please, is there anyone out there who has not had spats and misunderstandings with family or friends?

She then went on to say that if I was writing about her, she wanted to take a look at her own behavior to see if there is anything she should perhaps do differently.

I thought about this on and off throughout the day.  Instead of her becoming defensive, she actually held a mirror up to herself to see in what ways she might be responsible.  She also didn’t stew about it; she asked me in a direct manner, looking for information, not a fight or an argument.

How many people actually self-assess?  How many people really give thought to their own actions when a situation goes badly?  Perhaps if more of us did, we could defuse situations rather than igniting them.

Something to think about.

Truthfully Speaking

Ever since I can remember, I was told that lying was wrong.  I was also told that ‘little white lies’ were okay.  The ‘little white lies’ were used to tell someone their hair looked good (when it was beach hair), you liked the couch they just bought (although it was made from the same material that your Great Aunt used for her drapes when you were a little kid).

And, we all understood the importance of telling a relative, “I’m sorry, I have allergies”, when confronted with an awful looking vegetable dish at her house.

 Somewhere between using ‘white lies’ to spare feelings, we have adapted them as a way of getting out of social obligations, attending meetings at school, or a number of other things that we don’t want to deal with.  Sometimes we just tell them to make ourselves look better.

What is wrong with just telling the truth?  If the other person isn’t happy with that, then they aren’t happy with it.  However, I am not advocating telling someone how he or she really looks in his or her jeans!

Perhaps if the people we are lying to wouldn’t give us a hard time and make us feel guilty, we wouldn’t feel the need to do this.

What do you think?

That’s How I Feel

I received a call from a longtime friend of mine.  I have known her over 30 years.  Our friendship has always been rocky at best.  Our biggest problem stems from an expectation and then a disappointment.  It is usually over something small that seems to get blown out of proportion.

“I called you twice, you called me once.  I wrote two paragraphs, you answered with one word.”  The end result is she tends to feel that I am blowing her off.

How many times do you find yourself in a situation where someone is saying to you, “But that’s how I 'feel'", when his or her feelings are hurt, although that wasn’t your intention?,  Or perhaps you are the person who feels slighted?

Friendships, like relationships, take work.  Somewhere between the giving of the message and the receiving of the message is ‘tone, intent, and attitude’.  Or, more likely, it is  perceived ‘tone, intent, and attitude'.

I am not sure what the answer is.  I am not sure what the solution is.  I suppose the best way to handle any situation where someone is telling you how they feel is to listen to what they have to say.  Recognize they have a right to their feelings and then move on.

If you have a better idea, PLEASE share your thoughts.

Let it Go

There are several people in my life that have a hard time letting things go.  This could be the jeans that have been hanging in their closet for two decades, thinking they will either come back in style or they will once again be that weight (ok, I am guilty).  It could be a friend they met in high school whom they no longer have anything in common with and they don’t even like them, or it can even be the dream they had for themselves in their youth that is no longer attainable.

It is hard to know when it is time to move on.  Whether it is an idea, a plan, someone we met years ago or making a change.  I believe it is human nature to want to hold on even when it is time to let go.

My feeling is that not everything is meant to be, “Until death do us part.”  Yes, that could mean those leggings that you wore 20 pounds ago. Or the hairstyle that looked good in your 20s.

I remember reading a long time ago about people who are ‘transition’ people.  They come into your life when you need them, yet they aren’t necessarily meant to be lifetime friends. 

Life is hard enough as it is.  Taking on more burdens, holding onto the past if it drags you down, is this really in your best interest?

It really is okay to let go of the things that aren’t working for you.  What do you think?

What's the Difference?

What’s the Difference?

We were all seated around the dining room table.  Eating, laughing, playing games and enjoying the end of the year holidays.

My older brother observed the group.  Then, with much thought he said, “We have people here that are from the South, from the Mid West and from the West Coast.  We have several different religions, and every side of the political spectrum that you could think of.  We have people ranging from 10 to 70. Our family has a mixture of kids who are adopted, kids who aren’t, blended households and sexual diversity.”

Some are highly educated, some not.  Some well traveled, some not.  As my sister-in-law lovingly said, “We are a mixed bag of nuts.”

Under normal circumstances our group would not be friends.  Under normal circumstances our paths would probably not even cross.  And, yet, we had much more in common than not.  At least, in the things that are important.  And, we had a great time.

Raising kids, providing a stable environment, understanding our world, supporting friends, finding meaning and experiencing life. 

Wouldn’t it be nice if instead of judging the differences in each other we could embrace them?

I think so.  You?