Forgiving Ourselves

I had lunch yesterday with a friend of many years.  This is an extremely emotional time for her.  She recently lost a former husband who was a dear friend, and she is racked with guilt regarding decisions she made over 25 years ago.

We are taught at a very young age to say we are sorry and to forgive those who push us, grab our toys and say unkind things to us.  But, we are never taught to forgive ourselves.

Many of us take on burdens that we don’t own.  Things we do in our youth that might be selfish, self-serving or just plain surviving. Does that make us responsible till the day we die for the actions and choices of the people in our lives?

Most parents spend years blaming themselves for the decisions their children make as adults.  But, the reality is we really do the best we can with what we have at the time.  Wisdom comes from experiencing, acknowledging and hopefully learning.

Forgiving others and moving on is an important part of life.  Forgiving ourselves?  This is truly the best gift we can ever give ourselves.  We all make mistakes. 

I was going through a relationship break-up several years ago.  I was feeling so guilty and sad.  I knew I made the right decision, however, I couldn’t get past that I was hurting someone who I cared about.

One of my best friend’s husbands said to me “Roni, take whatever responsibility you want, then forgive yourself and move on.”  This was not as difficult as I thought.  After all, I am human and we all have flaws.

Don’t Sweat What You Can’t Control

In the movies, the holidays are presented as a time when families and friends get together to eat, laugh and share their blessings.  Even if things start out tense, it always ends up with brotherly love and picture perfect memories.

Real life, especially these days, and the movies we watch aren’t always in sync.  With blended families and his, hers, theirs and ours, it is virtually impossible to please everyone.

There is one day called Thanksgiving, one day called Easter and one day called Mother’s Day, etc.  It is challenging at best to be everywhere at once. 

Isn’t the important thing that no matter when we get together, even if it is the day before Thanksgiving or the Sunday after Mother’s Day that we enjoy our family and friends?

Isn’t the important thing that we make memories and cherish our times together when we can?

Instead of making our children feel guilty, instead of getting our feelings hurt, wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could open our hearts and our minds to not look at a calendar, but instead look at the people around the table and be happy for the time we do have?

I think so!

Every Victory Counts

I received a card from a very good friend this morning that said these very words.  I have indeed jumped a hurdle.  There are many more to face regarding the challenge I have taken on, however I accomplished a very important one.

I think too often we don’t stop to pat ourselves on the back when we do something good.  We don’t acknowledge the ‘wins’ enough.  We tend to put disclaimers on what we accomplish.  “Oh, I just got lucky.”  Or, “I had lots of help.”  Or even, “I didn’t deserve it.”

Of course, many of us are afraid we will jinx the good luck, or if we get too carried away, life will throw us a curve ball.

On a snow trip many moons ago, I mastered a very hard slope.  I was in shock that I was able to get to the bottom of the hill without a single fall.

It was, however when I was standing still in my glory, that I fell on my ass! It is true that life has many ups and downs. 

I think that is why it is even more important to celebrate every victory that comes your way.  After all, there is not one good reason not to!

Now, go seize the day!

Words

It is amazing how simply using a different word can change a thought from a negative to a positive.  Someone can be stubborn or we can call him or her tenacious.  You could think a person is bossy; another can think that person takes control.

I am finding a fine line between nervousness and excitement.  Both these feelings can have the same affect on me.  Sweaty palms, a nervous stomach, and perhaps a feeling of being unsettled.

I know the poem that goes, “Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can NEVER harm me.”  I tend to disagree.  I think words are very powerful.

By simply changing the dialog in our heads, we can actually change our moods.  “I am stressed.”  Or,” I am challenged; I am overwhelmed”, or “I have a busy life.”

If your mind is anything like mine, you have a running monolog.  Okay, some more than others.  However, when you find yourself thinking negative thoughts.  When your mind goes to places that overwhelm and then immobilize you, try giving yourself a little pep talk.

Like a diet or learning a new skill, this takes focus, awareness, and practice. 

After all, wouldn’t you rather wake up and take on the day, than let the day get the best of you?

Making Mountains Out of Mole Hills

Some people are experts in taking small problems and making them so much larger.  And, some people defuse a situation simply by NOT adding fuel to the fire.

Today I had what could have been an uncomfortable confrontation with a co-worker.  I had reason to be upset.  In my mind I was running through all the things I intended to ‘call her on’.  I was justified and although I knew this wouldn’t be pleasant, I was prepared to go to battle.

Instead of this issue becoming larger than it needed to be, my co-worker called me and simply said, “I understand you are bent.”  Instead of my going off on her, or even stating my issue, I simply said, “Yes.”  She then went on to talk through the situation with me.

She took some responsibility, and I shared in a calm, non agitated way why I was, in fact, ‘bent’.

I give her credit because instead of her becoming defensive, causing me to accelerate my anger, she defused the situation and we both were able to talk about a better way of communication in the future.

Would you say that you are the type of person who tends to agitate a situation or defuse it?

If getting our point across is our goal, don’t we have a better chance of being heard if the other person is not pushed into a corner or feeling attacked?

I think so.

“You Can’t Do That”

Have you ever been told, “You can’t do it that way?”  Or, “That isn’t the way it is done?”

During a casual lunch the other day, a friend told me a story about her husband and how he started, built and eventually sold a company that he ‘lucked’ into.  I say luck with ‘tongue-in-cheek’.

He had an idea (Engineer Geek) that he felt was a winner.  The problem was he had no idea how to market his product.  It turned out that what he didn’t know worked out better for him than what he did know.

Every year there was a local trade show and he wanted his invention displayed.  He had no contacts or guidelines to help him.

What he did have was an enthusiasm for his product.  He had a belief in himself and because of this, he forged ahead.  He took pictures and he wrote a plan.  He then started digging around until he found the contact information for the company he felt was the right audience.

With no formal training, and no one to guide him and tell him all the reasons things weren’t done this way, he sent off his plan.

It turns out that his letter was read.  It turns out that he was hired for the job.  And, it turns out that he became very successful.

And, yes the end result makes this a great story.  However, the lesson is even more important to me.  And, it should be to you.

Don’t ever let anyone tell you “You aren’t good enough.”  Don’t ever let anyone tell you, “You can’t do that.”  And, don’t ever let someone else stop you from dreaming, or keep you in a box because things have never been done that way before.

A former boss of mine once said to me, “Luck is opportunity meeting preparedness.”  Something for all of us to think about!