The Rest of the Story

My brother likes to tell this story about his friend, who was very aware of his young son’s ability to stretch the truth and be dramatic.

During a play date, the 10 year old ran to his dad crying that his friend pushed him down and broke his glasses.  Instead of dad getting all upset, he simply said, “What did you do right before you were pushed?”  Without blinking an eye, the boy simply said, “I punched him, but two wrongs don’t make a right.”

Although this is a funny story, I believe that we tend to jump to conclusions without hearing the entire story. 

Perhaps the next time you are about to go off on someone, try asking a few questions to get some clarity on what really happened.

Perhaps doing this will stop an argument or misunderstanding.

Think about it.

Never Say Uncle

It was an expression we used as a kid.  Meaning, “I will NOT give up.”  I was texting a friend of many years this morning.  I asked her how she was doing and her response to me was, “I am good, really good.”

I cannot tell you how this inspired me.  Only 5 years ago she lost her job, gave up her condo and moved in with her mother in another state.  She was dealing with a bad break-up and in general, she lost her faith in the opposite sex.

What my friend NEVER did was give up.  She wanted to.  She was depressed, without energy and feeling as if no matter what she did, life dumped on her.

She did everything in her power to get a job back in this area, get back into her condo and rebuild her trust in men, and is now in a relationship.  Was this easy?  NO!

What a difference a few short years have been for her.  I am inspired by her and others daily who face their challenges head on.  Sure, it might seem like two steps back for every step forward.

Are you the type of person who NEVER says Uncle?  Although there have been many times I have wanted to, I believe I am.

Comfort Zone

We all have a ‘comfort zone’.  For some of us it is a large area, and for others it is much smaller.    Whether meeting new people, speaking in public or joining groups, everyone is different in how they feel regarding change and being put in new situations.

Yesterday, my comfort zone was challenged.  If asked, I would have said I wasn’t capable of doing what I was asked to do.  I would have said that I wouldn’t do a good job.

Yesterday I learned something about myself.  Not only was I capable, but also I was told that I did a good job.  The experience left me thinking that life puts up enough roadblocks without my help.

If someone were to ask me my opinion regarding the subject of one’s comfort zone, it would be, “Move past it.  Go to that party that you would tend to shy away from.  Go on a job interview even if you think you aren’t qualified.  And, say yes to someone who asks you out, even if you don’t think they are your type.”

Perhaps you might find that you actually had a good time, or you met someone you wouldn’t normally have met, or like me, you were actually competent in doing something you thought you couldn’t handle.

Don’t allow your ‘comfort zone’ to keep you from trying something new.  Life is an adventure.  Sometimes the unexpected is the best part.

Thoughts?

An Open Mind

We’ve all heard the expression, “If you want God to have a good laugh, make a plan.”  Obviously, this addresses the many times we tend to choose a direction in life, just to find ourselves on a different path.  I wonder how many of us in our 30s and older have said, “My life is exactly what I thought it would be.”  I believe very few.

And yet, without some idea of what we want to do, what we want to become and what we want our lives to look like, most of us would be floundering.

I used to tell my son that it doesn’t matter where we start.  What matters is where we finish.  I have amended that to “What really matters is all the time in between.”

Are you finding yourself in a rut?  Are you predicable in your choices?  Have you become a creature of habit?

If you answered yes to the above, maybe you ought to give some thought to mixing it up.

When you make a plan and it doesn’t work out, instead of getting upset or frustrated, how about keeping an open mind and seeing this as simply a different direction.  How about seeing your life as an adventure, a book yet to be written or finished.

It is always good to have goals and aspirations.  It is also good to learn to go with the flow.  After all, you never know what new and exciting things are in store for you if you just keep an open mind.

Thoughts?

Holding Up A Mirror

I received an email from a friend of many decades.  It simply said, “Was your last blog about our relationship?”  It was the one where I wrote about hurt feelings and keeping score.

I assured her she wasn’t the subject.  Then I asked her why she thought I was referring to her.  She thought that since we have had issues over the years, she just wanted to check.   Please, is there anyone out there who has not had spats and misunderstandings with family or friends?

She then went on to say that if I was writing about her, she wanted to take a look at her own behavior to see if there is anything she should perhaps do differently.

I thought about this on and off throughout the day.  Instead of her becoming defensive, she actually held a mirror up to herself to see in what ways she might be responsible.  She also didn’t stew about it; she asked me in a direct manner, looking for information, not a fight or an argument.

How many people actually self-assess?  How many people really give thought to their own actions when a situation goes badly?  Perhaps if more of us did, we could defuse situations rather than igniting them.

Something to think about.

Truthfully Speaking

Ever since I can remember, I was told that lying was wrong.  I was also told that ‘little white lies’ were okay.  The ‘little white lies’ were used to tell someone their hair looked good (when it was beach hair), you liked the couch they just bought (although it was made from the same material that your Great Aunt used for her drapes when you were a little kid).

And, we all understood the importance of telling a relative, “I’m sorry, I have allergies”, when confronted with an awful looking vegetable dish at her house.

 Somewhere between using ‘white lies’ to spare feelings, we have adapted them as a way of getting out of social obligations, attending meetings at school, or a number of other things that we don’t want to deal with.  Sometimes we just tell them to make ourselves look better.

What is wrong with just telling the truth?  If the other person isn’t happy with that, then they aren’t happy with it.  However, I am not advocating telling someone how he or she really looks in his or her jeans!

Perhaps if the people we are lying to wouldn’t give us a hard time and make us feel guilty, we wouldn’t feel the need to do this.

What do you think?

That’s How I Feel

I received a call from a longtime friend of mine.  I have known her over 30 years.  Our friendship has always been rocky at best.  Our biggest problem stems from an expectation and then a disappointment.  It is usually over something small that seems to get blown out of proportion.

“I called you twice, you called me once.  I wrote two paragraphs, you answered with one word.”  The end result is she tends to feel that I am blowing her off.

How many times do you find yourself in a situation where someone is saying to you, “But that’s how I 'feel'", when his or her feelings are hurt, although that wasn’t your intention?,  Or perhaps you are the person who feels slighted?

Friendships, like relationships, take work.  Somewhere between the giving of the message and the receiving of the message is ‘tone, intent, and attitude’.  Or, more likely, it is  perceived ‘tone, intent, and attitude'.

I am not sure what the answer is.  I am not sure what the solution is.  I suppose the best way to handle any situation where someone is telling you how they feel is to listen to what they have to say.  Recognize they have a right to their feelings and then move on.

If you have a better idea, PLEASE share your thoughts.

Let it Go

There are several people in my life that have a hard time letting things go.  This could be the jeans that have been hanging in their closet for two decades, thinking they will either come back in style or they will once again be that weight (ok, I am guilty).  It could be a friend they met in high school whom they no longer have anything in common with and they don’t even like them, or it can even be the dream they had for themselves in their youth that is no longer attainable.

It is hard to know when it is time to move on.  Whether it is an idea, a plan, someone we met years ago or making a change.  I believe it is human nature to want to hold on even when it is time to let go.

My feeling is that not everything is meant to be, “Until death do us part.”  Yes, that could mean those leggings that you wore 20 pounds ago. Or the hairstyle that looked good in your 20s.

I remember reading a long time ago about people who are ‘transition’ people.  They come into your life when you need them, yet they aren’t necessarily meant to be lifetime friends. 

Life is hard enough as it is.  Taking on more burdens, holding onto the past if it drags you down, is this really in your best interest?

It really is okay to let go of the things that aren’t working for you.  What do you think?

What's the Difference?

What’s the Difference?

We were all seated around the dining room table.  Eating, laughing, playing games and enjoying the end of the year holidays.

My older brother observed the group.  Then, with much thought he said, “We have people here that are from the South, from the Mid West and from the West Coast.  We have several different religions, and every side of the political spectrum that you could think of.  We have people ranging from 10 to 70. Our family has a mixture of kids who are adopted, kids who aren’t, blended households and sexual diversity.”

Some are highly educated, some not.  Some well traveled, some not.  As my sister-in-law lovingly said, “We are a mixed bag of nuts.”

Under normal circumstances our group would not be friends.  Under normal circumstances our paths would probably not even cross.  And, yet, we had much more in common than not.  At least, in the things that are important.  And, we had a great time.

Raising kids, providing a stable environment, understanding our world, supporting friends, finding meaning and experiencing life. 

Wouldn’t it be nice if instead of judging the differences in each other we could embrace them?

I think so.  You?

Isn’t Life Ironik?

The reason the show ‘American’s Funniest Videos’ is so popular is because we are watching someone else’s family or pet do something ridiculous.  Most of us tend to have a sense of humor and play when it isn’t so close to home.

That brings me to my present situation.  My mother.  She has recently been moved to the ‘Memories/Reminiscence’ area of the assisted living place in which she lives.  My older brother likes to call it, ‘The place where the door does NOT swing in both directions.”

While we are sad and are dealing with very real and hard emotions, we find ourselves also laughing.  There are so many funny things that young children and the elderly do.  Heck, we all do some very funny things.

Perhaps many would find my family odd.  Or, perhaps, many would think we are insensitive.  The first might be true, however not the second.  We are very involved with our mother’s care.  We would fly across the country to take care of her.  The entire family is concerned and there for her.

And yet, we find the humor and share the irony of getting old.  Our mother’s as well as our own.

I think we could all use a dose of laughter.  I think sometimes we take ourselves and our lives way too seriously.  Find the funny.  It is all around us.  Learn to laugh at yourself.  It is very cathartic.

Something to think about it.

Where Did The Year Go?

Every year at this time you can hear the collective sighs of, “Where did the year go?”  It seems as if we are celebrating the New Year and then before you know it, it is summer time, then the smell of turkey.

It is a common cry of parents of teenagers (although for most the time goes way too slowly), and grandparents to reflect on years gone by way too fast.  My grandmother used to say, “It goes by all too quickly.”

Well, it is no surprise that when we count the days until Friday as a new workday begins, and we see the stores carrying products for one holiday before another one ends, that we are in fact rushing through our lives.

Children can’t wait to grow up.  Teenagers can’t wait to move out, get married, and have kids.  And middle-aged people fantasize about retirement.

WHAT IS THE RUSH???

I have a sister-in-law that makes a choice every day to find something fun to do.  She tells me, “I have to work, but I choose to play.”  It doesn’t matter if she is tired at the end of the day.  Whether meeting friends for a coffee treat, or a glass of wine, or heading to water aerobics, she plans her week with enjoyment as well as responsibility.

She also plans for naps and downtime.  I think we can all take a lesson from her.  It is true there are things we have to do that are chores and work.  It is also true we can find things to do that give us fun and pleasure.

Agree?

A Little Black Cloud

I am not sure why we all feel like everything comes in threes.  Perhaps it starts when we are children.  Perhaps it comes from:  The three pigs, three blind mice, and feeling like a third wheel.  When someone famous dies, then two, everyone wonders who the third one will be.

So, it was no surprise to me yesterday that after being laid-off from my job and then hearing that my mother will need to be moved (her mental health is becoming compromised), that on my walk with my dogs, the skies opened up and my pups and I got drenched.

My response was to look up and say, “REALLY”????

 I think from time to time we all tend to feel like there is a little black cloud hanging over our heads.  I think from time to time we find ourselves saying, “Enough already.”  There is NO question that if we live long enough, we will all go through many challenges and losses.

This is why it is so important to find the fun.  This is why it is so important to really enjoy the good times.

Look for your blessings.  Every day you are healthy and your family is safe, take a moment to be thankful!  Life is cyclic.  I doubt that any of us truly has a black cloud hanging over our heads; it just feels like that way.

So, if necessary, put on your rain boots, get your umbrella and take on the day!

Putting Things In Perspective

I met an old friend today for lunch.  We have many interests in common.  However the conversation today was mostly about not giving up.  Opening all the doors until it is the right one.

We laughed as we shared the ups and downs of trying new things.  We compared notes regarding not giving up when perhaps others would have.

It is really hard to know when time and money is being wasted.  Or when time and money is being invested.

For everyone this is different.  I guess it helps to know how realistic your dreams are.  How much passion you have for what you’re doing.  And whether, in fact, it is worth the ride.

I had struggled a few years ago regarding taking on something new.  Writing a book.  There was money I would need to invest.  And certainly there was work that needed to be done.

I called my brother whose opinion I value.  He asked me two questions.  The first was, “Would the money you will spend cause you financial hardship?”  I told him “No.”  The second question was, “If you don’t do this, is it possible you might look back one day and wonder what would have happened had you gone ahead?”  I answered “Yes”.

It was as simple as that.  Sometimes when faced with decision-making, asking yourself these two questions could put everything in perspective.

How We Are Seen

I went to a friend’s house for dinner last night.  She makes a great chili and it was good to catch up with her.  The subject of powerful women came up.  It is not earth-shattering news that strong women are perceived as bossy and controlling and strong men are perceived as competent leaders.

However, I am wondering if in the quest to be taken seriously, some women have in fact gone overboard and are actually so scary and intimidating that they do fall under the heading of, “I am working for a real bitch.”

We talked about whether most people see themselves as others do.  My friend does not relate to the comments she has received regarding her demeanor, and feels she is compassionate and very caring of other’s feelings.  And yet, she has heard on more than one occasion that those around her tend to tread lightly.

Being a smart and yes, compassionate person, she has taken this to heart, and most importantly she has checked her own behavior and has made changes.  She hasn’t changed who she is (thankfully), however, she has changed how she presents herself.  This is a huge difference.

It is not a bad idea from time to time to check ourselves.  It is not a bad idea from time to time to listen to the feedback we get.  You may choose not to change your behavior.  However, if you are smart, you will think about what those around you say.  Perhaps you will learn something about yourself that you NEVER saw before.

Something to think about.

Tis The Season

There is no question that this time of year brings MANY feelings out into the open.  Everyone tends to talk about Happy, Merry, Good Wishes, and yet……..

Whether you are baking a pie from a recipe your grandma handed down, or meeting your new boyfriend’s family for the first time.  Whether you are thinking about past relationships or when your parents lived together and had family dinners, this time of year is VERY stressful.

I have friends who have grandchildren that won’t be with them because it is an every other year holiday.  I have friends who lost their parents or siblings recently and are thinking about them.

We all reflect on times past.  We all think about times that seemed less complicated.  Ending things.  Starting over.  New traditions.  All of these things come into our thoughts and minds at this time of year.

With traffic at a standstill, malls over-crowded with busy, rude people, it is more than challenging to keep calm and truly enjoy the holidays.

So, my advice?  Remember the past fondly, while you plan for the future with hope and faith.  But, more importantly, enjoy the moments you are in, because there might come a time when they will be the good old days that you will miss and can’t get back.