Holding Up A Mirror

I received an email from a friend of many decades.  It simply said, “Was your last blog about our relationship?”  It was the one where I wrote about hurt feelings and keeping score.

I assured her she wasn’t the subject.  Then I asked her why she thought I was referring to her.  She thought that since we have had issues over the years, she just wanted to check.   Please, is there anyone out there who has not had spats and misunderstandings with family or friends?

She then went on to say that if I was writing about her, she wanted to take a look at her own behavior to see if there is anything she should perhaps do differently.

I thought about this on and off throughout the day.  Instead of her becoming defensive, she actually held a mirror up to herself to see in what ways she might be responsible.  She also didn’t stew about it; she asked me in a direct manner, looking for information, not a fight or an argument.

How many people actually self-assess?  How many people really give thought to their own actions when a situation goes badly?  Perhaps if more of us did, we could defuse situations rather than igniting them.

Something to think about.

Not Perfect

Wouldn’t it be wonderful to always know the right thing to say?  Wouldn’t it make life easier to always know the right to do?  The problem is we all have different needs, we all have different styles and we all cope with our challenges differently.

Instead of spending time beating ourselves up over what we could have said or done differently, a better use of time would be to think about what the other person needs.  A simple way to do that is to ask the person what we can do for them.

This isn’t always easy as most of us think about what we ourselves would want.  Sometimes words of encouragement are needed.  Sometimes a shoulder to cry on is required.  Sometimes allowing people space and time to heal, and sometimes just being there helps.

The next time you are faced with a situation where someone is in pain or needs a friend, try asking, “What can I do for you?”

Then stop and listen to what they are telling you.  Not everyone needs the same things.

Hopefully the people in our lives know how much we love them even if we fall short of what they needed from us.  After all, we are human no one is perfect.

I Hear You

A friend and I had an interesting conversation about the subject of listening and hearing.

We both agreed that many people listen, yet don’t really hear what is being said.  We talked about the difference and why we felt this way.

Some of the reasons we came up with was a person is already thinking of their ‘defense’, or ‘views’, or what is being said doesn’t really interest or resonate with them.  The problem with this is they rarely hear what is being said.

The expression, “I hear you” has become overused by people who are often blowing someone off.  They actually want that person to stop talking.

When you are trying to get your point across, do you share your feelings or do you lecture?  When you listen to someone, are you really taking in what they are telling you?

I believe most of us can do a better job of both putting information out and taking it in.  I think this takes time and practice.  Next time someone is telling you something, try to stay open.  Try not to interrupt.  And try to see their point of view.  You can always reject or ignore what they have to say afterwards.  But first, hear what that is.

What are your thoughts?