When Life Kicks You in the Ass

I am not talking about making lemonade from lemons.  I am not talking about dealing with life’s little challenging.  I am talking about when life truly hits you with a full-blown out catastrophe. 

A 24-hour pity party with a box of chocolate won’t help.  A glass of wine with a friend doesn’t cut it.  And the sage old advice about life not giving you more than you can handle is pure bunk.

When the disappointment seems unending.  When your sadness seems like a life-sentence, when there are no good solutions, how does one go on?

When it come to mistakes we’ve made, unfairness or the many injustices  others have done to us, it really only hurts us if we obsess about it.  Fostering hurts and wounds only keeps them alive for us.  The other guy has moved on and more likely than not is not affected by his or her actions.

Whether you were over looked for promotions.  Whether a fire or other natural disaster took your possessions, whether you experienced a loss of a friend or family member, the reality is life does continue.

I read and hear about such tremendous challenges people go through.  I read and hear about where their lives are years later.  So many are stronger, and although have the physical and emotional scars continue to keep going.  Yes, some better than others.

I believe the reality is that most of us will experience situations that will question our faith, question ourselves, cause us to wonder if it really is worth it and have us wonder whether the world wouldn’t be better off without us.

If this sounds like a familiar story line, one just needs to have seen the Christmas movie called, “It’s a Wonderful Life.”

I have no answers or solutions.  I have always felt it is not the trouble we get into that is important; it is how we handle it that speaks of our character and worth.

So, when life seems to kick you in the ass, whether you helped it or truly are a victim, accept it, own it, look for solutions and move on with your life.  It is what survivors do.

Until it is Gone

 “I miss the good old days.”  Or, “I really miss my dad.  I think of him everyday.  I would give anything to have more time with him”, are said way too often.  This could also apply to any family member, friend, neighbor or co-worker.

Although many make the time to be with their loved ones, are we really doing a good job of appreciating them while they are still in our lives?  I don’t mean to judge or would I even attempt to say how much time is the right amount of time.   I just know when parents and grandparents are gone; it never seems to be enough.

When I was younger and would go to a restaurant with my family, we always felt bad for the couples that had the newspaper up to their eyeballs while eating with each other.  Now, of course, the whole family sits around a dinner table with the expectation that all the electronic devices are also invited to dine.

I remember a time when adults would talk and children would color or play with their food.  I now see toddlers in their high chairs with a propped up computer screen for them to occupy their time.  REALLY?

Who are these people that think this is a good idea?  Meals, whether at home or in public should be about sharing, lively conversation and laughter.  Have we gotten so far out of touch with what is really important? Do our children have to grow up and move on for us to try and make up for all the years we didn’t get to really know them? Do we need to lose people before we really appreciate them? 

Don’t be the person who regrets not appreciating what you have now until it is gone.  But more importantly, don’t be the person who regrets not spending time with the people you care about in your life until they are gone!

Something to not just think about, but upon!

Holding Up A Mirror

I received an email from a friend of many decades.  It simply said, “Was your last blog about our relationship?”  It was the one where I wrote about hurt feelings and keeping score.

I assured her she wasn’t the subject.  Then I asked her why she thought I was referring to her.  She thought that since we have had issues over the years, she just wanted to check.   Please, is there anyone out there who has not had spats and misunderstandings with family or friends?

She then went on to say that if I was writing about her, she wanted to take a look at her own behavior to see if there is anything she should perhaps do differently.

I thought about this on and off throughout the day.  Instead of her becoming defensive, she actually held a mirror up to herself to see in what ways she might be responsible.  She also didn’t stew about it; she asked me in a direct manner, looking for information, not a fight or an argument.

How many people actually self-assess?  How many people really give thought to their own actions when a situation goes badly?  Perhaps if more of us did, we could defuse situations rather than igniting them.

Something to think about.

Truthfully Speaking

Ever since I can remember, I was told that lying was wrong.  I was also told that ‘little white lies’ were okay.  The ‘little white lies’ were used to tell someone their hair looked good (when it was beach hair), you liked the couch they just bought (although it was made from the same material that your Great Aunt used for her drapes when you were a little kid).

And, we all understood the importance of telling a relative, “I’m sorry, I have allergies”, when confronted with an awful looking vegetable dish at her house.

 Somewhere between using ‘white lies’ to spare feelings, we have adapted them as a way of getting out of social obligations, attending meetings at school, or a number of other things that we don’t want to deal with.  Sometimes we just tell them to make ourselves look better.

What is wrong with just telling the truth?  If the other person isn’t happy with that, then they aren’t happy with it.  However, I am not advocating telling someone how he or she really looks in his or her jeans!

Perhaps if the people we are lying to wouldn’t give us a hard time and make us feel guilty, we wouldn’t feel the need to do this.

What do you think?

That’s How I Feel

I received a call from a longtime friend of mine.  I have known her over 30 years.  Our friendship has always been rocky at best.  Our biggest problem stems from an expectation and then a disappointment.  It is usually over something small that seems to get blown out of proportion.

“I called you twice, you called me once.  I wrote two paragraphs, you answered with one word.”  The end result is she tends to feel that I am blowing her off.

How many times do you find yourself in a situation where someone is saying to you, “But that’s how I 'feel'", when his or her feelings are hurt, although that wasn’t your intention?,  Or perhaps you are the person who feels slighted?

Friendships, like relationships, take work.  Somewhere between the giving of the message and the receiving of the message is ‘tone, intent, and attitude’.  Or, more likely, it is  perceived ‘tone, intent, and attitude'.

I am not sure what the answer is.  I am not sure what the solution is.  I suppose the best way to handle any situation where someone is telling you how they feel is to listen to what they have to say.  Recognize they have a right to their feelings and then move on.

If you have a better idea, PLEASE share your thoughts.

Let it Go

There are several people in my life that have a hard time letting things go.  This could be the jeans that have been hanging in their closet for two decades, thinking they will either come back in style or they will once again be that weight (ok, I am guilty).  It could be a friend they met in high school whom they no longer have anything in common with and they don’t even like them, or it can even be the dream they had for themselves in their youth that is no longer attainable.

It is hard to know when it is time to move on.  Whether it is an idea, a plan, someone we met years ago or making a change.  I believe it is human nature to want to hold on even when it is time to let go.

My feeling is that not everything is meant to be, “Until death do us part.”  Yes, that could mean those leggings that you wore 20 pounds ago. Or the hairstyle that looked good in your 20s.

I remember reading a long time ago about people who are ‘transition’ people.  They come into your life when you need them, yet they aren’t necessarily meant to be lifetime friends. 

Life is hard enough as it is.  Taking on more burdens, holding onto the past if it drags you down, is this really in your best interest?

It really is okay to let go of the things that aren’t working for you.  What do you think?

What's the Difference?

What’s the Difference?

We were all seated around the dining room table.  Eating, laughing, playing games and enjoying the end of the year holidays.

My older brother observed the group.  Then, with much thought he said, “We have people here that are from the South, from the Mid West and from the West Coast.  We have several different religions, and every side of the political spectrum that you could think of.  We have people ranging from 10 to 70. Our family has a mixture of kids who are adopted, kids who aren’t, blended households and sexual diversity.”

Some are highly educated, some not.  Some well traveled, some not.  As my sister-in-law lovingly said, “We are a mixed bag of nuts.”

Under normal circumstances our group would not be friends.  Under normal circumstances our paths would probably not even cross.  And, yet, we had much more in common than not.  At least, in the things that are important.  And, we had a great time.

Raising kids, providing a stable environment, understanding our world, supporting friends, finding meaning and experiencing life. 

Wouldn’t it be nice if instead of judging the differences in each other we could embrace them?

I think so.  You?

Isn’t Life Ironik?

The reason the show ‘American’s Funniest Videos’ is so popular is because we are watching someone else’s family or pet do something ridiculous.  Most of us tend to have a sense of humor and play when it isn’t so close to home.

That brings me to my present situation.  My mother.  She has recently been moved to the ‘Memories/Reminiscence’ area of the assisted living place in which she lives.  My older brother likes to call it, ‘The place where the door does NOT swing in both directions.”

While we are sad and are dealing with very real and hard emotions, we find ourselves also laughing.  There are so many funny things that young children and the elderly do.  Heck, we all do some very funny things.

Perhaps many would find my family odd.  Or, perhaps, many would think we are insensitive.  The first might be true, however not the second.  We are very involved with our mother’s care.  We would fly across the country to take care of her.  The entire family is concerned and there for her.

And yet, we find the humor and share the irony of getting old.  Our mother’s as well as our own.

I think we could all use a dose of laughter.  I think sometimes we take ourselves and our lives way too seriously.  Find the funny.  It is all around us.  Learn to laugh at yourself.  It is very cathartic.

Something to think about it.

Where Did The Year Go?

Every year at this time you can hear the collective sighs of, “Where did the year go?”  It seems as if we are celebrating the New Year and then before you know it, it is summer time, then the smell of turkey.

It is a common cry of parents of teenagers (although for most the time goes way too slowly), and grandparents to reflect on years gone by way too fast.  My grandmother used to say, “It goes by all too quickly.”

Well, it is no surprise that when we count the days until Friday as a new workday begins, and we see the stores carrying products for one holiday before another one ends, that we are in fact rushing through our lives.

Children can’t wait to grow up.  Teenagers can’t wait to move out, get married, and have kids.  And middle-aged people fantasize about retirement.

WHAT IS THE RUSH???

I have a sister-in-law that makes a choice every day to find something fun to do.  She tells me, “I have to work, but I choose to play.”  It doesn’t matter if she is tired at the end of the day.  Whether meeting friends for a coffee treat, or a glass of wine, or heading to water aerobics, she plans her week with enjoyment as well as responsibility.

She also plans for naps and downtime.  I think we can all take a lesson from her.  It is true there are things we have to do that are chores and work.  It is also true we can find things to do that give us fun and pleasure.

Agree?

A Little Black Cloud

I am not sure why we all feel like everything comes in threes.  Perhaps it starts when we are children.  Perhaps it comes from:  The three pigs, three blind mice, and feeling like a third wheel.  When someone famous dies, then two, everyone wonders who the third one will be.

So, it was no surprise to me yesterday that after being laid-off from my job and then hearing that my mother will need to be moved (her mental health is becoming compromised), that on my walk with my dogs, the skies opened up and my pups and I got drenched.

My response was to look up and say, “REALLY”????

 I think from time to time we all tend to feel like there is a little black cloud hanging over our heads.  I think from time to time we find ourselves saying, “Enough already.”  There is NO question that if we live long enough, we will all go through many challenges and losses.

This is why it is so important to find the fun.  This is why it is so important to really enjoy the good times.

Look for your blessings.  Every day you are healthy and your family is safe, take a moment to be thankful!  Life is cyclic.  I doubt that any of us truly has a black cloud hanging over our heads; it just feels like that way.

So, if necessary, put on your rain boots, get your umbrella and take on the day!

Putting Things In Perspective

I met an old friend today for lunch.  We have many interests in common.  However the conversation today was mostly about not giving up.  Opening all the doors until it is the right one.

We laughed as we shared the ups and downs of trying new things.  We compared notes regarding not giving up when perhaps others would have.

It is really hard to know when time and money is being wasted.  Or when time and money is being invested.

For everyone this is different.  I guess it helps to know how realistic your dreams are.  How much passion you have for what you’re doing.  And whether, in fact, it is worth the ride.

I had struggled a few years ago regarding taking on something new.  Writing a book.  There was money I would need to invest.  And certainly there was work that needed to be done.

I called my brother whose opinion I value.  He asked me two questions.  The first was, “Would the money you will spend cause you financial hardship?”  I told him “No.”  The second question was, “If you don’t do this, is it possible you might look back one day and wonder what would have happened had you gone ahead?”  I answered “Yes”.

It was as simple as that.  Sometimes when faced with decision-making, asking yourself these two questions could put everything in perspective.

Forgiving Ourselves

I had lunch yesterday with a friend of many years.  This is an extremely emotional time for her.  She recently lost a former husband who was a dear friend, and she is racked with guilt regarding decisions she made over 25 years ago.

We are taught at a very young age to say we are sorry and to forgive those who push us, grab our toys and say unkind things to us.  But, we are never taught to forgive ourselves.

Many of us take on burdens that we don’t own.  Things we do in our youth that might be selfish, self-serving or just plain surviving. Does that make us responsible till the day we die for the actions and choices of the people in our lives?

Most parents spend years blaming themselves for the decisions their children make as adults.  But, the reality is we really do the best we can with what we have at the time.  Wisdom comes from experiencing, acknowledging and hopefully learning.

Forgiving others and moving on is an important part of life.  Forgiving ourselves?  This is truly the best gift we can ever give ourselves.  We all make mistakes. 

I was going through a relationship break-up several years ago.  I was feeling so guilty and sad.  I knew I made the right decision, however, I couldn’t get past that I was hurting someone who I cared about.

One of my best friend’s husbands said to me “Roni, take whatever responsibility you want, then forgive yourself and move on.”  This was not as difficult as I thought.  After all, I am human and we all have flaws.

Words

It is amazing how simply using a different word can change a thought from a negative to a positive.  Someone can be stubborn or we can call him or her tenacious.  You could think a person is bossy; another can think that person takes control.

I am finding a fine line between nervousness and excitement.  Both these feelings can have the same affect on me.  Sweaty palms, a nervous stomach, and perhaps a feeling of being unsettled.

I know the poem that goes, “Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can NEVER harm me.”  I tend to disagree.  I think words are very powerful.

By simply changing the dialog in our heads, we can actually change our moods.  “I am stressed.”  Or,” I am challenged; I am overwhelmed”, or “I have a busy life.”

If your mind is anything like mine, you have a running monolog.  Okay, some more than others.  However, when you find yourself thinking negative thoughts.  When your mind goes to places that overwhelm and then immobilize you, try giving yourself a little pep talk.

Like a diet or learning a new skill, this takes focus, awareness, and practice. 

After all, wouldn’t you rather wake up and take on the day, than let the day get the best of you?

Making Mountains Out of Mole Hills

Some people are experts in taking small problems and making them so much larger.  And, some people defuse a situation simply by NOT adding fuel to the fire.

Today I had what could have been an uncomfortable confrontation with a co-worker.  I had reason to be upset.  In my mind I was running through all the things I intended to ‘call her on’.  I was justified and although I knew this wouldn’t be pleasant, I was prepared to go to battle.

Instead of this issue becoming larger than it needed to be, my co-worker called me and simply said, “I understand you are bent.”  Instead of my going off on her, or even stating my issue, I simply said, “Yes.”  She then went on to talk through the situation with me.

She took some responsibility, and I shared in a calm, non agitated way why I was, in fact, ‘bent’.

I give her credit because instead of her becoming defensive, causing me to accelerate my anger, she defused the situation and we both were able to talk about a better way of communication in the future.

Would you say that you are the type of person who tends to agitate a situation or defuse it?

If getting our point across is our goal, don’t we have a better chance of being heard if the other person is not pushed into a corner or feeling attacked?

I think so.

“You Can’t Do That”

Have you ever been told, “You can’t do it that way?”  Or, “That isn’t the way it is done?”

During a casual lunch the other day, a friend told me a story about her husband and how he started, built and eventually sold a company that he ‘lucked’ into.  I say luck with ‘tongue-in-cheek’.

He had an idea (Engineer Geek) that he felt was a winner.  The problem was he had no idea how to market his product.  It turned out that what he didn’t know worked out better for him than what he did know.

Every year there was a local trade show and he wanted his invention displayed.  He had no contacts or guidelines to help him.

What he did have was an enthusiasm for his product.  He had a belief in himself and because of this, he forged ahead.  He took pictures and he wrote a plan.  He then started digging around until he found the contact information for the company he felt was the right audience.

With no formal training, and no one to guide him and tell him all the reasons things weren’t done this way, he sent off his plan.

It turns out that his letter was read.  It turns out that he was hired for the job.  And, it turns out that he became very successful.

And, yes the end result makes this a great story.  However, the lesson is even more important to me.  And, it should be to you.

Don’t ever let anyone tell you “You aren’t good enough.”  Don’t ever let anyone tell you, “You can’t do that.”  And, don’t ever let someone else stop you from dreaming, or keep you in a box because things have never been done that way before.

A former boss of mine once said to me, “Luck is opportunity meeting preparedness.”  Something for all of us to think about!

Second Guessing Ourselves

Does this sound like you?  What seemed like a good idea at the time is starting to feel like a mistake.  And the longer you think about it the bigger the mistake becomes.  It becomes so big, you are certain it is a deal breaker.

I believe that it is possible to over-think something until it actually becomes something else.  The reason I know this to be true is because it is a talent of mine.

Whether it is in an interview.  Whether it is at a school meeting.  Whether it concerns conversations we have had with our kids and friends, there are times that we over-obsess about the one thing we said that we regret.

I liken this to looking at ourselves in a mirror.  We tend to see the blemishes; we tend to see the one hair out of place, or the one hair on our face that shouldn’t be there.

However, those looking at us tend to see the smile, the kindness and hopefully the person we are.

As hard as this is for me personally, I am going to make every effort to be myself, not focus on the negative and not judge others when they also say something that perhaps they shouldn’t have.

Thoughts?

Humor

I am a firm believer that a good sense of humor can get us through most of life’s challenges.  And yet, I find myself often getting uptight when I should laugh things off.

When I was pregnant with my son, I remember reading an article regarding how parents tend to lose their sense of humor when it comes to their children.

During a conversation with a good friend this morning, he said to me, “Everyone around me seems to be so serious lately.” 

It got me thinking about the ability to just laugh at a situation, ourselves and yes, others.  Is it our pride, are we too self-conscious, or do we feel it isn’t dignified to just get our “silly” going?

While watching a TV show the other day with a close friend, we both acknowledged that the characters were dealing with a situation that we had just both dealt with.  While we didn’t find the humor when the subject was us, we were both laughing at the sitcom and agreed that it was VERY funny, although close to home.

I have decided that I am going to take life a bit less seriously, find the humor where I can and laugh-out-loud when I do something goofy.  My friend is right; there is perhaps a bit too much “serious” going on when there doesn’t need to be.

Did you know that laughter burns more calories than running?  Just in case you needed another reason to giggle.

Worry

We all do it!  Will we be picked last for a game on the playground?  Will we be asked to the birthday party?  Will we be liked? Will our kids get into the best kindergarten?  Will we get the job?  Find the right mate?  Afford a house?  And on and on it goes.

Basically we worry from the day we enter this world until the day we leave it.  And yet stress (worry) is harder on the body than pretty much anything else that can ‘get us’.

So, how do we get a handle on ‘worrying’ when it is as natural as breathing?  I suppose we can go through life with a ‘whatever happens’ attitude, and just blow off any and all the things that get thrown in our path.  It is what some people do.

We can also choose to allow our worries to affect our minds and bodies so much that we get more headaches and ulcers, therefore keeping us from enjoying our lives.  This is an option.

Or, we can learn to acknowledge our challenges, make a reasonable plan and then counter-balance them with the things that give our bodies and minds some carefree relaxing time.  No, it isn’t easy.

We are all different.  There are as many suggestions as there are problems.  There are as many answers as there are questions.

Think I will take some time this week and pay attention to my stressors.  Then I will take some time to find some perspective on what I can effect and make a plan to do the things that balance me and give me some peace.

You?

Ego

When it was suggested to me that it could be my ego that caused me to think I could handle all that life throws me, I wanted to protest.  THEN, I gave it some real thought.

What made me think that I could take on one more task?  What made me think I could handle one more problem?  What made me think I could keep all the balls in the air?  AND, never be stressed, never be short tempered, never let anyone down, and more importantly, do it all perfectly?

EGO!!!!  I never thought I had a big one.  I think perhaps I was wrong.  It’s not that I thought I was better than others.  No, I just thought I could handle things better than others.    

I found myself stressed to the limit, and, I was frustrated and running on empty.  Not in a small way, but a big one.  I became unreasonable and ranted and yelled at someone who didn’t deserve it.  Basically, I lost my cool.

We all get to the point of ‘having had enough’.  There isn’t anyone out there who isn’t dealing with either out of control children, an unreasonable boss, a loud neighbor, a messy spouse and/or friends and family that let us down.

Owning one’s behavior and accepting that being human means NOT being perfect is sometimes all we can do.  That and taking the time to stop, take a deep breath and find whatever method works best to release the stress in our lives before it builds to Biblical proportions.  

Make sense?

Would You Sign-Up?

I was talking with a friend the other day who was clearly distraught.  The summer was rough; she was dealing with many physical and emotional challenges, and things were not going her way.

While we were talking, she said in exasperation, “No one ever told me life would be this hard.”

I immediately had a picture (probably because two very close friends recently had grandkids), of a baby about to be born.  He or she sticks her head out and is given a scenario of all life will throw their way.  I am thinking most infants would say, “NO THANK YOU” and go back to the safety of the womb.

There is no question that we deal with great loss.  There is no question that our faith is continually challenged.  And, there is no question that many times crawling back under the covers is very appealing.

But the reality is, we are born in a world that throws us curve balls, spitballs and hard balls. (Yes, baseball season has even gotten to me).

To keep with the baseball analogy we have a few choices.  We can quit the game and walk off the field (not recommended).  We can pick ourselves up and continue to play as we have been.  Or we can think about this game, look at the good innings and accept that many times we will walk away shaking our heads and asking, “What happened here?”

I know life isn’t a game.  Loss and tragedy isn’t taken lightly.  I heard someone say they feel so deeply that they used to be depressed all the time.  Then someone told them, “This means you have the capacity to love so completely, is that a bad thing?”

My thoughts for today!  Yours?