That’s How I Feel

I received a call from a longtime friend of mine.  I have known her over 30 years.  Our friendship has always been rocky at best.  Our biggest problem stems from an expectation and then a disappointment.  It is usually over something small that seems to get blown out of proportion.

“I called you twice, you called me once.  I wrote two paragraphs, you answered with one word.”  The end result is she tends to feel that I am blowing her off.

How many times do you find yourself in a situation where someone is saying to you, “But that’s how I 'feel'", when his or her feelings are hurt, although that wasn’t your intention?,  Or perhaps you are the person who feels slighted?

Friendships, like relationships, take work.  Somewhere between the giving of the message and the receiving of the message is ‘tone, intent, and attitude’.  Or, more likely, it is  perceived ‘tone, intent, and attitude'.

I am not sure what the answer is.  I am not sure what the solution is.  I suppose the best way to handle any situation where someone is telling you how they feel is to listen to what they have to say.  Recognize they have a right to their feelings and then move on.

If you have a better idea, PLEASE share your thoughts.

Let it Go

There are several people in my life that have a hard time letting things go.  This could be the jeans that have been hanging in their closet for two decades, thinking they will either come back in style or they will once again be that weight (ok, I am guilty).  It could be a friend they met in high school whom they no longer have anything in common with and they don’t even like them, or it can even be the dream they had for themselves in their youth that is no longer attainable.

It is hard to know when it is time to move on.  Whether it is an idea, a plan, someone we met years ago or making a change.  I believe it is human nature to want to hold on even when it is time to let go.

My feeling is that not everything is meant to be, “Until death do us part.”  Yes, that could mean those leggings that you wore 20 pounds ago. Or the hairstyle that looked good in your 20s.

I remember reading a long time ago about people who are ‘transition’ people.  They come into your life when you need them, yet they aren’t necessarily meant to be lifetime friends. 

Life is hard enough as it is.  Taking on more burdens, holding onto the past if it drags you down, is this really in your best interest?

It really is okay to let go of the things that aren’t working for you.  What do you think?

What's the Difference?

What’s the Difference?

We were all seated around the dining room table.  Eating, laughing, playing games and enjoying the end of the year holidays.

My older brother observed the group.  Then, with much thought he said, “We have people here that are from the South, from the Mid West and from the West Coast.  We have several different religions, and every side of the political spectrum that you could think of.  We have people ranging from 10 to 70. Our family has a mixture of kids who are adopted, kids who aren’t, blended households and sexual diversity.”

Some are highly educated, some not.  Some well traveled, some not.  As my sister-in-law lovingly said, “We are a mixed bag of nuts.”

Under normal circumstances our group would not be friends.  Under normal circumstances our paths would probably not even cross.  And, yet, we had much more in common than not.  At least, in the things that are important.  And, we had a great time.

Raising kids, providing a stable environment, understanding our world, supporting friends, finding meaning and experiencing life. 

Wouldn’t it be nice if instead of judging the differences in each other we could embrace them?

I think so.  You?

Isn’t Life Ironik?

The reason the show ‘American’s Funniest Videos’ is so popular is because we are watching someone else’s family or pet do something ridiculous.  Most of us tend to have a sense of humor and play when it isn’t so close to home.

That brings me to my present situation.  My mother.  She has recently been moved to the ‘Memories/Reminiscence’ area of the assisted living place in which she lives.  My older brother likes to call it, ‘The place where the door does NOT swing in both directions.”

While we are sad and are dealing with very real and hard emotions, we find ourselves also laughing.  There are so many funny things that young children and the elderly do.  Heck, we all do some very funny things.

Perhaps many would find my family odd.  Or, perhaps, many would think we are insensitive.  The first might be true, however not the second.  We are very involved with our mother’s care.  We would fly across the country to take care of her.  The entire family is concerned and there for her.

And yet, we find the humor and share the irony of getting old.  Our mother’s as well as our own.

I think we could all use a dose of laughter.  I think sometimes we take ourselves and our lives way too seriously.  Find the funny.  It is all around us.  Learn to laugh at yourself.  It is very cathartic.

Something to think about it.

Where Did The Year Go?

Every year at this time you can hear the collective sighs of, “Where did the year go?”  It seems as if we are celebrating the New Year and then before you know it, it is summer time, then the smell of turkey.

It is a common cry of parents of teenagers (although for most the time goes way too slowly), and grandparents to reflect on years gone by way too fast.  My grandmother used to say, “It goes by all too quickly.”

Well, it is no surprise that when we count the days until Friday as a new workday begins, and we see the stores carrying products for one holiday before another one ends, that we are in fact rushing through our lives.

Children can’t wait to grow up.  Teenagers can’t wait to move out, get married, and have kids.  And middle-aged people fantasize about retirement.

WHAT IS THE RUSH???

I have a sister-in-law that makes a choice every day to find something fun to do.  She tells me, “I have to work, but I choose to play.”  It doesn’t matter if she is tired at the end of the day.  Whether meeting friends for a coffee treat, or a glass of wine, or heading to water aerobics, she plans her week with enjoyment as well as responsibility.

She also plans for naps and downtime.  I think we can all take a lesson from her.  It is true there are things we have to do that are chores and work.  It is also true we can find things to do that give us fun and pleasure.

Agree?

A Little Black Cloud

I am not sure why we all feel like everything comes in threes.  Perhaps it starts when we are children.  Perhaps it comes from:  The three pigs, three blind mice, and feeling like a third wheel.  When someone famous dies, then two, everyone wonders who the third one will be.

So, it was no surprise to me yesterday that after being laid-off from my job and then hearing that my mother will need to be moved (her mental health is becoming compromised), that on my walk with my dogs, the skies opened up and my pups and I got drenched.

My response was to look up and say, “REALLY”????

 I think from time to time we all tend to feel like there is a little black cloud hanging over our heads.  I think from time to time we find ourselves saying, “Enough already.”  There is NO question that if we live long enough, we will all go through many challenges and losses.

This is why it is so important to find the fun.  This is why it is so important to really enjoy the good times.

Look for your blessings.  Every day you are healthy and your family is safe, take a moment to be thankful!  Life is cyclic.  I doubt that any of us truly has a black cloud hanging over our heads; it just feels like that way.

So, if necessary, put on your rain boots, get your umbrella and take on the day!

Putting Things In Perspective

I met an old friend today for lunch.  We have many interests in common.  However the conversation today was mostly about not giving up.  Opening all the doors until it is the right one.

We laughed as we shared the ups and downs of trying new things.  We compared notes regarding not giving up when perhaps others would have.

It is really hard to know when time and money is being wasted.  Or when time and money is being invested.

For everyone this is different.  I guess it helps to know how realistic your dreams are.  How much passion you have for what you’re doing.  And whether, in fact, it is worth the ride.

I had struggled a few years ago regarding taking on something new.  Writing a book.  There was money I would need to invest.  And certainly there was work that needed to be done.

I called my brother whose opinion I value.  He asked me two questions.  The first was, “Would the money you will spend cause you financial hardship?”  I told him “No.”  The second question was, “If you don’t do this, is it possible you might look back one day and wonder what would have happened had you gone ahead?”  I answered “Yes”.

It was as simple as that.  Sometimes when faced with decision-making, asking yourself these two questions could put everything in perspective.

How We Are Seen

I went to a friend’s house for dinner last night.  She makes a great chili and it was good to catch up with her.  The subject of powerful women came up.  It is not earth-shattering news that strong women are perceived as bossy and controlling and strong men are perceived as competent leaders.

However, I am wondering if in the quest to be taken seriously, some women have in fact gone overboard and are actually so scary and intimidating that they do fall under the heading of, “I am working for a real bitch.”

We talked about whether most people see themselves as others do.  My friend does not relate to the comments she has received regarding her demeanor, and feels she is compassionate and very caring of other’s feelings.  And yet, she has heard on more than one occasion that those around her tend to tread lightly.

Being a smart and yes, compassionate person, she has taken this to heart, and most importantly she has checked her own behavior and has made changes.  She hasn’t changed who she is (thankfully), however, she has changed how she presents herself.  This is a huge difference.

It is not a bad idea from time to time to check ourselves.  It is not a bad idea from time to time to listen to the feedback we get.  You may choose not to change your behavior.  However, if you are smart, you will think about what those around you say.  Perhaps you will learn something about yourself that you NEVER saw before.

Something to think about.

Tis The Season

There is no question that this time of year brings MANY feelings out into the open.  Everyone tends to talk about Happy, Merry, Good Wishes, and yet……..

Whether you are baking a pie from a recipe your grandma handed down, or meeting your new boyfriend’s family for the first time.  Whether you are thinking about past relationships or when your parents lived together and had family dinners, this time of year is VERY stressful.

I have friends who have grandchildren that won’t be with them because it is an every other year holiday.  I have friends who lost their parents or siblings recently and are thinking about them.

We all reflect on times past.  We all think about times that seemed less complicated.  Ending things.  Starting over.  New traditions.  All of these things come into our thoughts and minds at this time of year.

With traffic at a standstill, malls over-crowded with busy, rude people, it is more than challenging to keep calm and truly enjoy the holidays.

So, my advice?  Remember the past fondly, while you plan for the future with hope and faith.  But, more importantly, enjoy the moments you are in, because there might come a time when they will be the good old days that you will miss and can’t get back.

Forgiving Ourselves

I had lunch yesterday with a friend of many years.  This is an extremely emotional time for her.  She recently lost a former husband who was a dear friend, and she is racked with guilt regarding decisions she made over 25 years ago.

We are taught at a very young age to say we are sorry and to forgive those who push us, grab our toys and say unkind things to us.  But, we are never taught to forgive ourselves.

Many of us take on burdens that we don’t own.  Things we do in our youth that might be selfish, self-serving or just plain surviving. Does that make us responsible till the day we die for the actions and choices of the people in our lives?

Most parents spend years blaming themselves for the decisions their children make as adults.  But, the reality is we really do the best we can with what we have at the time.  Wisdom comes from experiencing, acknowledging and hopefully learning.

Forgiving others and moving on is an important part of life.  Forgiving ourselves?  This is truly the best gift we can ever give ourselves.  We all make mistakes. 

I was going through a relationship break-up several years ago.  I was feeling so guilty and sad.  I knew I made the right decision, however, I couldn’t get past that I was hurting someone who I cared about.

One of my best friend’s husbands said to me “Roni, take whatever responsibility you want, then forgive yourself and move on.”  This was not as difficult as I thought.  After all, I am human and we all have flaws.

Don’t Sweat What You Can’t Control

In the movies, the holidays are presented as a time when families and friends get together to eat, laugh and share their blessings.  Even if things start out tense, it always ends up with brotherly love and picture perfect memories.

Real life, especially these days, and the movies we watch aren’t always in sync.  With blended families and his, hers, theirs and ours, it is virtually impossible to please everyone.

There is one day called Thanksgiving, one day called Easter and one day called Mother’s Day, etc.  It is challenging at best to be everywhere at once. 

Isn’t the important thing that no matter when we get together, even if it is the day before Thanksgiving or the Sunday after Mother’s Day that we enjoy our family and friends?

Isn’t the important thing that we make memories and cherish our times together when we can?

Instead of making our children feel guilty, instead of getting our feelings hurt, wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could open our hearts and our minds to not look at a calendar, but instead look at the people around the table and be happy for the time we do have?

I think so!

Every Victory Counts

I received a card from a very good friend this morning that said these very words.  I have indeed jumped a hurdle.  There are many more to face regarding the challenge I have taken on, however I accomplished a very important one.

I think too often we don’t stop to pat ourselves on the back when we do something good.  We don’t acknowledge the ‘wins’ enough.  We tend to put disclaimers on what we accomplish.  “Oh, I just got lucky.”  Or, “I had lots of help.”  Or even, “I didn’t deserve it.”

Of course, many of us are afraid we will jinx the good luck, or if we get too carried away, life will throw us a curve ball.

On a snow trip many moons ago, I mastered a very hard slope.  I was in shock that I was able to get to the bottom of the hill without a single fall.

It was, however when I was standing still in my glory, that I fell on my ass! It is true that life has many ups and downs. 

I think that is why it is even more important to celebrate every victory that comes your way.  After all, there is not one good reason not to!

Now, go seize the day!

Words

It is amazing how simply using a different word can change a thought from a negative to a positive.  Someone can be stubborn or we can call him or her tenacious.  You could think a person is bossy; another can think that person takes control.

I am finding a fine line between nervousness and excitement.  Both these feelings can have the same affect on me.  Sweaty palms, a nervous stomach, and perhaps a feeling of being unsettled.

I know the poem that goes, “Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can NEVER harm me.”  I tend to disagree.  I think words are very powerful.

By simply changing the dialog in our heads, we can actually change our moods.  “I am stressed.”  Or,” I am challenged; I am overwhelmed”, or “I have a busy life.”

If your mind is anything like mine, you have a running monolog.  Okay, some more than others.  However, when you find yourself thinking negative thoughts.  When your mind goes to places that overwhelm and then immobilize you, try giving yourself a little pep talk.

Like a diet or learning a new skill, this takes focus, awareness, and practice. 

After all, wouldn’t you rather wake up and take on the day, than let the day get the best of you?

Making Mountains Out of Mole Hills

Some people are experts in taking small problems and making them so much larger.  And, some people defuse a situation simply by NOT adding fuel to the fire.

Today I had what could have been an uncomfortable confrontation with a co-worker.  I had reason to be upset.  In my mind I was running through all the things I intended to ‘call her on’.  I was justified and although I knew this wouldn’t be pleasant, I was prepared to go to battle.

Instead of this issue becoming larger than it needed to be, my co-worker called me and simply said, “I understand you are bent.”  Instead of my going off on her, or even stating my issue, I simply said, “Yes.”  She then went on to talk through the situation with me.

She took some responsibility, and I shared in a calm, non agitated way why I was, in fact, ‘bent’.

I give her credit because instead of her becoming defensive, causing me to accelerate my anger, she defused the situation and we both were able to talk about a better way of communication in the future.

Would you say that you are the type of person who tends to agitate a situation or defuse it?

If getting our point across is our goal, don’t we have a better chance of being heard if the other person is not pushed into a corner or feeling attacked?

I think so.

“You Can’t Do That”

Have you ever been told, “You can’t do it that way?”  Or, “That isn’t the way it is done?”

During a casual lunch the other day, a friend told me a story about her husband and how he started, built and eventually sold a company that he ‘lucked’ into.  I say luck with ‘tongue-in-cheek’.

He had an idea (Engineer Geek) that he felt was a winner.  The problem was he had no idea how to market his product.  It turned out that what he didn’t know worked out better for him than what he did know.

Every year there was a local trade show and he wanted his invention displayed.  He had no contacts or guidelines to help him.

What he did have was an enthusiasm for his product.  He had a belief in himself and because of this, he forged ahead.  He took pictures and he wrote a plan.  He then started digging around until he found the contact information for the company he felt was the right audience.

With no formal training, and no one to guide him and tell him all the reasons things weren’t done this way, he sent off his plan.

It turns out that his letter was read.  It turns out that he was hired for the job.  And, it turns out that he became very successful.

And, yes the end result makes this a great story.  However, the lesson is even more important to me.  And, it should be to you.

Don’t ever let anyone tell you “You aren’t good enough.”  Don’t ever let anyone tell you, “You can’t do that.”  And, don’t ever let someone else stop you from dreaming, or keep you in a box because things have never been done that way before.

A former boss of mine once said to me, “Luck is opportunity meeting preparedness.”  Something for all of us to think about!